The ex.

Sorry for the sporadic blogging…my life has been all over the place these past few weeks.  I went to a halloween party on Friday, and it was awful. I hate how girls use halloween as an excuse to dress like sluts. At the party I was at, there was a “cat” wearing a corset, and a “bird” with fishnet stockings…seriously?? Of course, this only bothers me because I feel waaaay too insecure about my body to wear something that revealing. (Not that I even want to. But if I was super hot I would just roll me eyes at them, instead of feeling actually bothered.)

My latest source of grief is that an old friend is coming to visit this week, and we had plans to go out for dinner on Wednesday. She was also friends with my ex-bf, and she asked me if we were on good terms. I said “sure, yeah. we don’t hang out or anything, but we email happy birthday or whatever…”. And she asked if it was okay if she invited him to dinner to, since it’s the only time she’d be able to see him. And I said “sure, yeah. I don’t care!”. Except, omg, OF COURSE I CARE. I totally don’t want to see him. Not because of him, or us, or anything, but because of how fat I’ve gotten since we broke up! aaaaahhhh. I’m really hoping he won’t be able to make it.

I feel like I’m going back and forth between feeling confident that I’m getting better and resisting urges and I’m slowly getting my body better…and then being like CRISIS!!! I can’t stand looking like this!!! Of course, I know damn well by now that dieting just makes me binge, and I just need to chill out and be patient. But…it’s hard.

This weekend was good. I went for a nice trail run, and ate normally. On Friday at the party (the exact sort of thing that would normally lead me to binge – a party with tons of food that I wasn’t having fun at) I ate a bunch of greasy food and some shots but didn’t get out of control. So, that’s good. I’m just going to focus on eating intuitively, working out regularly, and being patient.

When I first started this blog I thought oh, by christmas I look super hot! Well…Christmas is 8 weeks away, and I don’t think that’s going to happen. But there’s still time for me to work hard and feel good about myself. So, I’ll focus on that!

Back to the regular schedule

Just got internet set up at my new apartment, so hopefully i should be back to regularly scheduled blogging now.

This week has been kind of sucky for life in general, but i think next week will be a lot better. except ughhhh, my work has this party tomorrow that is catered and will have all kinds of free booze, and then people are heading out downtown afterwards to party. I don’t want to go. I have nothing to wear. I feel fat and gross right now. I don’t want to party. Booze and food have to many calories that I don’t need. I need to finish packing. Except…I want to go and be social with work people. I want to be fun and cool, except…I’m not.
I think I’ll go (and eat my own dinner first), have a glass of wine or two and then switch to soda water, and then skip out early claiming that I have to drive and I have to finish packing. That’s kind of the best of both worlds.
Other than that, workouts are still going well and food is going…okay. (ie. I haven’t been eating halloween candy or any really crappy food, but I have been eating more cheese sticks and almond butter than I need.) I think I’ll resume writing down everything I eat (not tracking macros, just writing it down) tomorrow to help me stay mindful and make good decisions. But not too bad overall.
One more day till the weekend!

Nothing to Report

Oh whoops, I just realized that yesterday’s post didn’t post. So I just published it now. And so you’ll get 2 posts in one day! How thrilling.

Much like the title says, I have nothing to report. Workouts have been good (5 mile run this morning, whoo!), and food has been so-so. And by so-so I mean I’ve been drinking diet coke again, and I ate 2 little bags of baked lays chips today. That is not great, but it could be a WHOLE LOT worse. And I can get through the holiday season with good workouts and so-so eating, that would be totally fine by me.

In other life news, I have my annual review coming up at work soon. I am both looking forward to it and terrified of it. This is my first year at my new position at work, and I really have no idea what people think of me. I feel like I’m not getting anything done and people must think I suck. And it is true that people might have actual negative feedback…but I doubt that anyone will write anything as bad as what I’m thinking. So while I will hate it, at least it will be a bit of a relief that way. ugh.

Alright, I”m gonna do some more packing and head to bed. Sorry this blog is so sucky these days…I’ll try to be more interesting once this move thing is done!


Things are good

I’ve been doing really good since I got back from vacation. Even with all the craziness of moving I’ve been eating normally and doing some good workouts. Nothing exciting to report, everything is just…normal. While ‘normal’ doesn’t lead to dramatic weight loss, I’m happy with it.

Today at crossfit we did a partner workout, and I was partnered with this girl who pretty much had the perfect body. I would kill to look like her. We were lifting the same weight for the workout, and I was able to complete the whole thing and she cracked at about halfway and had to switch to a lighter weight. That made me feel good…not the fact that I “beat her” (who the hell cares), but the fact that even though I don’t look that good my body is still strong and healthy.

There are a lot of food-related events coming up in the next few weeks…halloween, thanksgiving, christmas… UGH. Oh well. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

In happier news, my new apartment has a little social get-together thing on Wednesday. How fun! I’m gonna do my hair nice and go, and hopefully make friends with the neighbors!

Packing Underway

As much as I hate packing and moving, I must say it feels good to get rid of so much crap! My new apartment is tiny so i’m being pretty ruthless about what makes the cut and what doesn’t.

I’m really happy with how I ate today, because it was a sucky day full of tasks I didn’t want to do. Usually when I have days like that I cheer myself up with food, and today I did not! I still ate really good food but I cooked it at home and kept it healthy. Yay!

The movers come bright and early tomorrow, but I’m going to try to get a quick run in beforehand. I realized that I can plug my phone into the tv screen on the treadmills at the gym (and at the free gym of my new apartment too!), and stream netflix! score! I still like trail running better, but when I don’t have time to go to the trails at least this will hopefully keep me entertained.

good night!

I hate moving.

Oh man, I am NOT looking forward to this next week. I hate moving so much. The good news is that I have a week overlap between apartments, so while my furniture is all moving on Sunday I’ll at least have a fair bit of time to move everything else in my car.

It’s going to be so weird having a roommate again…I’ve had my own place for 3.5 years now. Plus, my new roommate is a stranger. She seems nice enough though. She’s a chinese girl about my age who works for one of the really, really big hi-tech companies in the area. I’m sure it’ll be fine, just…weird. I’ll have to stop being such a slob, which is probably for the best.

In other news my crossfit workouts have caught up with me and I am SORE. But, that makes me happy. I’ve gone running in the trails twice as well, and that has been really lovely. Unfortunately my new apartment will be farther away from the really good trails, but I think I’ll still make the trip on weekends, and there are some gravel trails nearby that I’ll investigate.

Food has been…good. I haven’t been counting macros or anything so who knows if I’m losing weight, but I’ve been eating healthy food and exercising plenty, so I it is was it is.  No real urges to binge or cravings for garbage food since I’ve been back. I gotta say, it’s so nice not feeling pressure to look good for a certain event. Sure, christmas is coming up, but I’m just spending it with my family and they already saw what I look like last week, so whatev.

Anyway, off to bed…busy day tomorrow :S

Back in the groove

…although not the blogging groove, apparently, as I completely forgot to blog yesterday! The two days since I’ve been back have been great. I started going to a new crossfit-style gym, went trail running, and made healthy food choices. I’m super out of shape right now, but I don’t even care. I’m not entirely sure what brought on this new attitude, since I most definitely cared before. I guess the fact that my trip home has passed, and the pressure to look good is gone? But yeah, I feel good. But then, I haven’t had any urges to binge/overeat since I’ve been back yet either, so we’ll see how it goes.

I’m moving on Sunday to a new apartment with a roommate. blah about everything. (packing. moving. roommate). But, I’ll save a lot of money and that’s all there is to it!

That’s all I have to report. One more day till the weekend, but it won’t be a very fun weekend since I’ll be working and packing all the time. Buuuut, thanksgiving is coming up soon too and I’m going to go visit my sister and her new baby! That is my thing to look forward to for now 🙂

Home at last!

I’m back! It’s always nice to go visit my parents and family, but I gotta say, it’s also extremely nice to say goodbye to them and go back to my own space doing my own thing. But, I spent some quality time with the fam, spent a weekend with my bestie, and went to a wedding.

Food-wise, I would give myself about a 5/10. Previous trips I would give myself about a 1/10, so this is an improvement, but still a long way to go. Like usual, I had a ton of urges to binge. And I definitely did overeat, and I’m sure I gained weight, but I didn’t let it absolutely crush me emotionally like it normally does. Instead I’m mostly…relieved it’s over. I was SO dreading seeing all the people I haven’t seen since 5 years and ~20lbs ago, and letting them see how fat I’ve gotten. But I saw them, and…whatever. It wasn’t even a big deal. Nobody said anything, and if they thought anything then that’s their own problem. I got fat, everybody saw, and the world didn’t end. How about that.

I went on some nice trail runs with my best friend and her dog, in perfect weather with all the beautiful fall leaves that we don’t get in Cali. It made me miss running. I want to get back into it again. And I want to do crossfit again.

There are about 10 weeks left of the year. All my need-to-look-good events have come and gone, and now I feel kind of liberated. My only goal for the start of 2014 is to be happy. I want to do the stuff I like to do, and feel good about myself. No calorie counting and no weigh-ins, just me gettin’ out there.

How’s everyone else doing? What did I miss when I was gone?

Off I go…

I’m heading home tomorrow night (redeye flight, whooo.) Although this is most-definitely-absolutely-no how I wanted to look when seeing my family for the first time in over a year, and some of my friends who will be at the wedding in over 5 years(!)…oh well. I look how I look.

During this trip I want to eat like a normal person and have fun. That doesn’t sound like it should be very hard, but for every other trip home in the past 10 years I have binged like crazy and been miserable and desperate to leave. This trip I will be home for 11 DAYS, which is the the longest I have been home in many years, and I never would have booked a trip that long except that at the time I booked it a few months ago I felt so confident that I had stopped bingeing forever.

So, here goes… I’m not sure if I’ll be blogging while I’m home (I’m only bringing my work computer, and I’d rather not blog from that.) But you’ll get the full report when I’m back. Wish me luck!

Fun new game

Today was back to basics, meaning I ate the food I really wanted to eat and didn’t worry about losing weight. It went well for the most part…there were donuts at work that didn’t look great, so I didn’t eat them. I didn’t want any snack basket snacks. I started eating a peach but it was kind of crunchy and flavorless so I had a few bites and threw the rest out. Great! I did have some gingersnap cookies (but only 3 of them, which was ~90 calories), a larabar, and some almond butter with a spoon. It was a good day for not bingeing, but a bad day for weight loss.

I’m still eating when I’m not necessarily hungry, but I feel like eating. It’s good that I’m not eating like a crazy person, but bad that I’m still eating when I don’t need too. This is what I was thinking when I was eating almond butter with a spoon.

– there are a lot of calories in this. I’m not even hungry. I should stop eating it.

– but, it tastes good and I want it.

– I’m feeding my addictive desire to eat (see: Eating Less)

– Well, yes, but it will be a struggle to not eat this. If I eat this, it will taste good and distract me while I work. If I don’t eat it, then maybe one day I will be skinny. The immediate reward of taste and distraction beat out the vague notion of one-day thinness.

Oh! So interesting, now that I’ve thought of it like that. It’s true that what I like about monitoring every calorie/carb that I eat and burn is that I have the immediate reward of ‘winning’ – looking at myfitnesspal stats and seeing that I’ve burned more than I’ve eaten, or I’ve stuck to my goal numbers or whatever. Weighing myself is good incentive too, but it’s not as immediate (especially if I only weigh myself once a week), and the reward of a lower weight doesn’t even necessarily correlate to the effort I’ve put out. And if I don’t do either of those things then the only reason to not eat is to feel good about not eating. And when I”m over 160 freaking pounds and I hate how all my clothes fit not eating some stupid almond butter doesn’t really make me feel very joyful inside. And thus, the taste of almond butter wins.

Sooo…that’s cool that I’ve figured out my thought process, but now how to fix it? I need to make the long-term reward of being healthy and fit have some more immediate gratification. Without weighing myself a lot or tracking my calories.

Here’s what I thought of: I downloaded a ‘tally’ app on my phone, and every time I get an urge to eat when I’m not hungry, I get a ‘point’. When I get 10 points in a row I get a reward, like that facial I was going to get when I lost 4lbs. If I eat anyway, my tally goes down to zero. (I can still eat whatever I want, I just need to save it for a time when I’m actually hungry and not just feeding my addictive desire to eat.)

I’m not sure how this plan will work out, but I like the idea of being able to go “whooo, I’ve earned 4 points already today!”. There is an unlimited number of times I will get the urge to eat (hell, I could have an urge to eat the same thing 5 separate times in 5 minutes), but no matter…that just means unlimited points!

So, i’ll try out this little game tomorrow and let you know how it goes.

In happy news, I may have found a new roommate and place to live! I really hope it works out, that would be a huuuge relief to get that sorted out. I’ll still have to actually move (ughhh), but having a place to move to is more than half the battle.