Sorry for the sporadic blogging…my life has been all over the place these past few weeks. I went to a halloween party on Friday, and it was awful. I hate how girls use halloween as an excuse to dress like sluts. At the party I was at, there was a “cat” wearing a corset, and a “bird” with fishnet stockings…seriously?? Of course, this only bothers me because I feel waaaay too insecure about my body to wear something that revealing. (Not that I even want to. But if I was super hot I would just roll me eyes at them, instead of feeling actually bothered.)
My latest source of grief is that an old friend is coming to visit this week, and we had plans to go out for dinner on Wednesday. She was also friends with my ex-bf, and she asked me if we were on good terms. I said “sure, yeah. we don’t hang out or anything, but we email happy birthday or whatever…”. And she asked if it was okay if she invited him to dinner to, since it’s the only time she’d be able to see him. And I said “sure, yeah. I don’t care!”. Except, omg, OF COURSE I CARE. I totally don’t want to see him. Not because of him, or us, or anything, but because of how fat I’ve gotten since we broke up! aaaaahhhh. I’m really hoping he won’t be able to make it.
I feel like I’m going back and forth between feeling confident that I’m getting better and resisting urges and I’m slowly getting my body better…and then being like CRISIS!!! I can’t stand looking like this!!! Of course, I know damn well by now that dieting just makes me binge, and I just need to chill out and be patient. But…it’s hard.
This weekend was good. I went for a nice trail run, and ate normally. On Friday at the party (the exact sort of thing that would normally lead me to binge – a party with tons of food that I wasn’t having fun at) I ate a bunch of greasy food and some shots but didn’t get out of control. So, that’s good. I’m just going to focus on eating intuitively, working out regularly, and being patient.
When I first started this blog I thought oh, by christmas I look super hot! Well…Christmas is 8 weeks away, and I don’t think that’s going to happen. But there’s still time for me to work hard and feel good about myself. So, I’ll focus on that!